I hope you can see me

A missed call from my brother. Another missed call, this time from my father. I'll just call them during my lunch break, which is in half an hour anyway. The little led on my phone starts blinking again, however. I ignore it at first, but then I succumb and glance at the notification bar. 'Call me urgently' - reads the text received from my brother. I look at my watch but still continue with my training. An insidious thought makes its way to my mind and my power to focus is eroding.

Nervously, I find my father's name in the contact book, irritated at my incapacity to spell my father's name properly from the first time.

Come on, pick up, pick up. The call gets answered. At the other end, I can hear my father's voice greeting me quietly. Silence.  'Did your brother already tell you?' From my heart, through my arteries, veins and down to the capillaries, my blood is turning to ice. Time slows down and comes to a complete standstill. My soul freezes down.

My heart gets lacerated in a violent motion.

...

My whole being sinks into a cold, dry darkness. A grey veil gets pulled over my eyes.

I look at my watch. Its hands are moving diligently. Second, minutes, hours at passing - one after each other, at equal intervals. That's not how it feels, however. Time actually slows down. Each despicable second makes its long and painful journey, in an endless succession. Inhaling, exhaling. Inhaling, exhaling. Inhaling, exhaling...

I observe the way the air makes its way in chaotic cyclones into my mouth, through the trachea and into my lungs. I listen to the sound of the smoke particles bumping turbulently into my bronchi and bronchioles, reaching eventually their destination, where they make the transaction. The nicotine molecules then go their own way, leaving the air behind. The sorrow of the separation passes quickly - they are molecules after all - and they embark on their new endeavour of destroying and numbing my brain cells. Meanwhile, the smoke regains its liberty, joyfully dancing through the cold air, ascending and dissipating in the bright light. My eyes are slowly closing and opening again. Thoughts are rushing at supersonic speeds through my mind, creating an amorphous soup of animated pictures. The second passes, the next one starts. Every little noise, every distant sound of laugh or chatter, as though from a different world - I can hear crystal-clear. I am almost drowning in this world of sounds and activity.

Emotions dissipate akin to water flowing out of a pitcher falling over. Emptiness. Void of feelings, the body is left numb and stiff. Even thoughts stop. Staring into emptiness, i observe my hand mechanically bringing the cigarette to my mouth. My mind is realising, if only purely intellectually, the beauty of the sky, the warmth of the sunlight, the serenity of the world up there. I whisper an unfelt prayer.

All of a sudden, I wake up. My mind becomes conscious of my environment, of time, or the fact that my cigarette is not burning any more, of the fact that I’m cold. My brain starts processing possibilities, needs, plans... Triviality and absurdity. It is as though my mind enters a defensive state, where it tries to protect itself from painful thoughts. It does make me feel somewhat better for a short while. An aching thought enters my mind, though. How - how can I be thinking such petty things - when my mother just died?

I am watching myself in the mirror. My  eyeballs moving. My hands listening to my brain, executing commands: running through my hair, removing bodily fluids off my face. Life pulsing through my veins, through my whole body. What does my mum look like now? Dad told me she has been taken to the mortuary, because the funeral would not be until Saturday. There she is, freezing in the dark.

There? Actually, she was never there, I guess. When she’s been discovered, she wasn’t in the room at all. Not in that room, not in that world, not in that dimension. Instead, somewhere beyond time and space, in the realm of the eternal.

Wherever you may be, I hope you can see me. And hear me, when I say what I didn’t say since I was a little kid.

I love you.